Positive Parenting: The art of asking questions
by Kelsey Rasmussen
Children often learn the adage that we have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we speak. One of the first things I learned in teacher training is called wait time. It refers to the practice of giving your students time to process your question before moving on. I was taught to wait a full eight seconds for someone to raise his/her hand. For anyone who has done public speaking, you know eight seconds can feel like an eternity! When it feels awkward or we get impatient, we often fill that silence and miss an opportunity for students to think or contribute.
As a parent, I’m learning that wait time with infants and toddlers contributes to their language development, ability to concentrate, and positive self-concept. “The Montessori Toddler” by Simone Davies lists the top 12 things parents need to know about toddlers, and two of the top 12 are recognizing a toddler’s need to communicate and giving them time to process what is said to them. When we slow down our speech and listen, we show our child respect. In contrast, when we assume the child can’t understand or answer, or we repeat ourselves more loudly and closer to a child’s face, we show our child disrespect and interfere with their developing attention span.
Listening is the secret ingredient in the art of asking questions. Janice Armstrong will present about Love and Logic during the first Parent University meeting at Smith Elementary on February 7 at 6 p.m. Part of the Love and Logic approach is for parents to share control and thinking with their children. When we give children real choices within safe limits, and when we exercise enough patience to observe their responses, we strengthen children’s sense of control, and positive self-image. Guidelines for giving choices using the Love and Logic method, include the following:
- Give 99% of choices when things are going smoothly.
- Provide choices only on issues that are not dangerous and don’t create a problem for anyone else on the planet.
- Always offer two options, each a choice that makes you happy.
- If the child doesn’t choose in ten seconds flat, choose for the child.
Love and Logic authors say, “The beauty of these choices is that little children love them. They make these choices excitedly and feel they’ve gained some control in their lives.”
Shifting our language from commands to two-choice questions is powerful, and can be as simple as:
- “Put your socks on,” becomes “Will you wear yellow socks or blue socks?”
- “Let’s go,” becomes “Do you want to walk to the car or be carried?”
- “It’s bedtime,” becomes “Do you want to hear a story before bed, or no story?”
Young children can respond to questions and make decisions. Even infants do this non-verbally. It’s never too early (or too late) to train ourselves to pause and count two or three breaths while we wait for our children to think and answer. Please join us to learn more about Love and Logic at Parent University on February 7. Register using this link: https://bit.ly/PantherParentU or scan the QR code shown below:
Activity Highlight: Make Valentine’s Day cards together
Fold a sheet of paper to fit an envelope. Use markers to write a message, and let your toddler decorate with crayons and/or stickers. Talk about the shapes and colors as you go, trace his/her hand, or encourage older children to write messages themselves. Send these love notes to family or friends to make their day!
Encourage children to give homemade Valentine notes to family or friends. Image credit: Kelsey Rasmussen
Sources:
- The Montessori Toddler, Simone Davies.
- Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood, Fay and Fay, pp. 84-85.
Kelsey Rasmussen is a mother of twin toddlers and teaches computer science part time at Stockbridge High School. She and her husband moved to Stockbridge from Colorado in 2022 to raise their children in a small town near family.
