Positive Parenting: A problem with praise?

by Kelsey Rasmussen

Imagine your child just did something new and you’re so impressed. You’re feeling proud! You adore this little person and want to express joy about his amazing new skill. “Good job!” you say with a beaming smile.

Of course it’s good for children to have loving adults pay attention to and celebrate their achievements. Reacting with praise is better than missing a moment of connection with our children because we’re absorbed in our screens or otherwise. However, it becomes problematic when “great job” gets so overused that children come to expect this sort of praise for their every action. The Montessori approach distinguishes praise (which is an evaluation or judgment) from feedback (which is a factual observation).

Hearing “good job” too often can shift a child’s motivation from her own inner compass toward seeking validation from others.

Alfie Kohn writes and speaks widely on human behavior, education, and parenting. In “Five Reasons to Stop Saying ‘Good Job,’” Kohn explains:

• Praise can actually be used to manipulate children when we use it as a bargaining tool to motivate them.
• Over-praising can create praise junkies. “It leads them to measure their worth in terms of what will lead us to smile and dole out some more approval.”
• Praise can actually take joy away, as children begin looking to us for reassurance rather than experiencing their own delight at what they have achieved.
• Children can become less motivated when they do something for praise, because it removes the meaning for themselves.
• Praise can lower achievement. When an activity is tied to pressure to perform, the child’s interest or pleasure in the activity decreases or they take fewer risks.

You may be thinking, “Okay, so how do I encourage my children without praise?”

Kohn recommends parents either say nothing, narrate what happened, or ask questions. Simone Davies, a Montessori educator, summarizes alternatives to “good job” with positive, factual descriptions, like the following.

Describe what you see without the value judgments.

“You got dressed all by yourself.”

“You used blue and yellow paint. I see a swirl over here.”

“You worked hard on that.”

Sum it up in one word.

“You packed your bag and are ready to go to school. That’s what I call independence!”

“You helped your grandma with her groceries. That’s what I call being thoughtful!”

“You cleaned up your spill without me asking. That’s what I call being resourceful!”

Describe how we feel.

“I’m so excited for you!”

“It’s a pleasure to walk into a room where everything has been put away.”

Activity Highlight:

Play around with feedback phrases that feel authentic for you. Write your favorite alternatives to “Good job” on a few sticky notes and put them around your home to remember to try them out.

You’re Invited!

Join us April 3 to learn about supporting math at home with Ingham ISD’s early childhood coach, Megan Chumbley. As part of Parent University, this session is another chance for families to learn more about topics related to children. Parent University sessions are offered on the first Wednesday of the month through June 2024. Dinner, childcare and a raffle are provided. We also offer a virtual option if you are unable to attend in person. There is no fee and prior attendance at Parent University is not required. Scan the QR code provided here to register by March 27.

Sources:

• “Five Reasons to Stop Saying ‘Good Job’” by Alfie Kohn. alfiekohn.org/article/five-reasons-stop-saying-good-job/
• “The Montessori Toddler” by Simone Davies, 2019.

Praise can actually take joy away, as children begin looking to us for reassurance rather than experiencing their own delight at what they have achieved. Image credit: Katrina Wright on Unsplash.com

Kelsey Rasmussen is a mother of twin toddlers and teaches computer science part time at Stockbridge High School. She and her husband moved to Stockbridge from Colorado in 2022 to raise their children in a small town near family.