“Dear Gabbie” is written with the simple hope of bringing a few smiles to your day and is not meant to replace the advice of professionals… especially your mom!

Dear Gabbie:

My parents are getting older, and they have a LOT of stuff! They’re not interested in downsizing and don’t seem receptive when I suggest they get rid of things. I know it will be a lot for me to manage someday if they don’t deal with it. How can I push them to do the right thing?

Dear Downsizing Dude or Dudette,

Can we start with the language you used in your email? “Get rid of” and “push them” … these statements simply aren’t the way to approach this issue.

First, your parents are capable adults (well, a high probability), and they get to decide what to do with their “stuff,” which likely represents a lifetime of gathering special mementos and household items they deem as having value. Even more important for you to think about is that a lot of these things may have been saved lovingly with you in mind.

The psychological reasons for saving too many things can be varied and complex—anything from childhood trauma to a coping mechanism for anxiety or powerlessness. I’m not saying this is true for your parents, but you should be aware that this concern might not be a simple case of “they just won’t get rid of stuff.”

If they’re open to it, start small. Baby steps. Approach your parents in a loving, gentle way and offer to help remove some of the less sentimental items. Make sure they know THEY are the “deciders”—no pushback allowed. Together, you might just toss a few expired cans of soup in your first effort. Success! 

Working with them is key. Help by posting things on Facebook Marketplace, for instance. Heck, make a game out of it! Family pizza night for every 10 items sold. Approaching this challenge with love, patience, and a little humor will be a “win” for your whole family.

With goodwill,

Gabbie