The Art of Repair: Building bridges after conflict

by Kelsey Rasmussen 

Somewhere along the line, I’ve learned that gratitude is the antidote to anxiety, and curiosity is the antidote to judgment.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman describe repair as the secret ingredient for relationships to thrive. In previous months, we’ve shared some research-based wisdom from the Gottmans’ book, “And Baby Makes Three.” We’ve covered topics about parents being on the same team; how to slow down and delight in our baby; the importance of cooling down conflicts before they escalate; and replacing the “four horsemen” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling) with a soft start-up, expressing daily admiration, listening with humility, and emotional self-regulation.

Now the most important piece: What happens after an argument? According to the Gottmans, masters of relationships don’t let injuries accumulate. 

A friend laughed when I told her I walk to my kids’ cool-down chair, sit, and count to 10 when I get frustrated. So yeah, I give myself time-outs. When I cool down and then apologize to my husband or children for a poor reaction or impatient tone, I am modeling a characteristic and “repair” I want to see in them, too. To me, this humility and self-awareness is a strength.

“Repair” means acknowledging what went wrong, taking responsibility for your part, and reconnecting with the person you hurt. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being willing to make things right. Some people think of apologies as a sign of weakness. The Gottmans and I disagree.

Some repairs will be awkward. Some will happen hours or days after the conflict. That’s OK. What matters is that you try. Sometimes the other person isn’t open to repair, and it’s best to forgive and either wait or part ways.

One helpful tool is creating a family repair plan, modified for your family from ideas like this:

For adult partners

• Check in within an hour after a conflict or agreed-upon break time.
• Start with “I’m sorry for…” and name your specific behavior, not just a general apology.
• Ask, “Is there anything you need from me or want me to understand?”
• End with a physical reconnection—a hug, holding hands, or whatever feels right.

For parent and child

• Get down to their eye level.
• Name what happened: “I raised my voice when you spilled the juice.”
• Acknowledge their feelings: “That probably felt scary.”
• Take responsibility: “I made a mistake. We all make mistakes sometimes, but we don’t want to be a family that yells at each other. I’m sorry and I love you, always.”
• Offer reconnection: “Can I give you a hug?”

For siblings or playmates

• Never force an apology, but encourage a sincere one after both children have calmed down.
• Help them notice: “I see you took the toy from your brother’s hands.”
• Help them recognize feelings: “Look at his face. How do you think he feels?”
• Guide them to action: “What could you do to help him feel better?”
• Celebrate their repair: “You gave it back and said sorry. Thank you!”

Activity Highlight: During a calm time, talk about and build a “repair basket” together to facilitate reconnection. Work together to fill it with small items that mean something to you both and promote positive interactions: a favorite book to read together, a deck of cards for a quick game, a playlist of songs your family loves or dances to, a ball and gloves. Keep it in a common area and practice how you might use it during tenser times.

Kelsey Rasmussen is a local resident and full-time parent of preschool-aged twins.