Positive Parenting
Fatherhood advice: You’re a family for life, so play the long game
by John Twining
I watched the youngest of my four children walk across the stage to receive his college diploma this month. This signaled the end of one era of fatherhood and the beginning of a new one. They are all now solidly planted in the adult world. My wife and I are not feeling unappreciated or unloved, but the concept of being depended on and needed by our children is mostly a thing of the past.
I have had some time to prepare for this moment; it has unfolded over the last 11 years, since the first one exited the house. But I loved being a father of young children, and I miss everything from diapers to chauffeuring, to being a short-order cook. Giving my children advice, experiencing sad moments together, consoling them when they felt let down by friends, experiencing nightly laughter around the dinner table, and camping out at sports events—these are now in the rearview mirror of life. I miss it.
My children have begun to reflect on their childhood and on me as a father, and I am often surprised by what they valued most from me. On the day of our son’s recent graduation, during a multi-family celebration, several of our adult children got competitive during a spike-ball game. An argument went badly. I was disappointed that this happened and a bit angry that this was taking center stage over my son´s celebration and in front of nonfamily members. I was frustrated, but I watched as all of them worked their way through this. It took time, but they apologized, talked together, acknowledged being overly competitive, insensitive and too quick to anger, and then, more or less, moved on.
The next morning, my daughter, who was also a part of the disagreement, recounted how she appreciated as a family that we made it a priority to talk through problems. She reminded me about ¨couch time¨ when they were very young. As parents, my wife and I had decided we didn’t want to be in the middle of all the sibling problems. Couch time was what happened if two or more of our children came to me complaining or angry about another sibling.
I would say, ¨I don’t even want to know what happened. That is for you to solve. Go to couch time.¨
The kids would have to sit on our couch and discuss the problem. I was in another room and not even listening in. After several minutes of couch time, they often just wanted it to end.
They’d yell to me, ¨We fixed it.¨
I would respond with, “Okay, but you have to sing a song together before you can leave.”
Sure they were angry at me for making them sing together. They usually picked some song they had learned in Sunday school, thinking they were fooling me by getting around my request to talk it out. As they sang, they always ended up laughing and thinking they had pulled something over on me. What mattered to me was that they had moved on, and my wife and I were not forced to take sides and micromanage every argument.
Back to that recent morning with my daughter. She said she appreciated that we accepted conflict but not hostile withdrawal from family. The expectation was to work it out with siblings and parents no matter what. Fix it now. Perfect solutions were not as important as consistent effort to resolve.
Over the years, at one point or another, each child has told me that they were not fond of another sibling in the family, and could do without them. But we reminded them that we are family, and we have no choice but to fix it.
The topper was when one of my adult children chided me once for walking away from an argument.
¨Hey, dad, you taught us not to do that.¨
Indeed I did. I took a deep breath and stuck around to finish the discussion.
Today, my children live in three different states, but I am pleased that they reach out to one another—even more than they reach out to us parents. They call one another for advice, family updates and just to check in. Sometimes I feel left out of the information flow, but I am still thankful. Stormy moments still happen, but that is part of family life together. I grew up distant and disconnected from my own siblings. I wanted something different for my own children.
During that recent celebration, as my son was working through his feelings about the fight, I received feedback about one of my shortcomings as a father, something that had negatively impacted him from my parenting. He said as a father I was too quick to apologize when we had an argument, so as a result, he has a hard time apologizing to others because he didn’t feel he needed to apologize.
I thought I had been a pretty strict parent; in fact, they all had told me I was at various times. So when my son shared that I had been too quick to apologize, I was stunned. I thought about it, felt sad about it, and was ready to open my mouth and—apologize! But I caught myself and resisted the temptation.
Fatherhood is amazing. My advice to fathers: Be intentional, be strong, give hope and lead your family toward faith and love. Play the long game, remembering that you and your children have a lifetime of being part of a family. Happy Father’s day!
When siblings bicker, try a creative “couch time” approach. Your kids may start out angry, but eventually laughing ensues. Image credit: Matheus Ferrero on unsplash.com
John and Susanne Twining
John Twining has been a school social worker at Stockbridge Jr/SR High School since 2007. He received his Master of Social Work degree from the University of Michigan in 1989. John and his wife, Susanne, have been married for 30 years and have lived in Stockbridge for 27 years. His four children all attended Stockbridge schools.
