Positive Parenting
New parents are all in the same soup
by Dr. Erin Clifton
John and Julie Gottman are relationship experts. Many of you have heard about their groundbreaking research of “The 5 Love Languages.” We’re summarizing another of their popular books, “And Baby Makes Three,” in a series of Positive Parenting columns. This month, we’ll focus on the first chapter.
“And Baby Makes Three” dives into the relationship changes that occur when couples start families. This is a sector of parenthood that is woefully neglected even though it has potential to smack relationships sideways, seemingly out of left field. Our goal is to bring awareness and hopefully provide some tools to help relationships not only survive, but thrive during this pivotal life transition.
I remember telling a friend, after my first child was born years ago, that it was a struggle to keep any focus on a relationship. The time I had to devote to my relationship with my spouse had been slashed to less than 10% of what it was. I was the sole food source and the main comfort for our baby, my body felt awkward and frumpy, I couldn’t hold my farts in during the first couple months postpartum, I smelled like spit up and spoiled milk, and somehow I was still responsible for all of the grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, house cleaning, and appointment scheduling.
Out of necessity, the majority of my care-taking energy shifted from my spouse and house to my baby and me. When I say “me,” I mean I was just trying to survive and take a shower every day to feel semi-human. Is it any wonder that my spouse became my ex-spouse?
According to the Gottmans, when a baby arrives there is a shift in intimacy from each other to the baby. This, along with stressors and sleep deprivation, causes over 66% of couples to experience increased conflicts and dissatisfaction with their partner those first few years. Usually this plays out with mom feeling exhausted and depleted while her partner feels neglected and ignored. Both undergo major shifts in their own identities, perhaps even suffering from postpartum depression. Typically, one or either party has no extra energy to put into nurturing their relationship, being intimate, or navigating conflict.
But I am living proof that there is hope! My second marriage has weathered the transition of two babies wonderfully. Did it help that I had done this before? Probably. I did know what to expect after baby #1 and was able to remind myself that being in the thick of it only lasts a short amount of time.
The hubs and I also approach everything—from house upkeep to parenting—as a team. Plus, his great sense of humor has helped to shorten those times when I’m feeling “underwater and overwhelmed.” Managing conflict with him has always been easy because we both work at being gentle, calm and respectful.
In their workshops, the Gottmans noticed that men from every life group want to be more hands-on and present partners and fathers. Being in a partnership that values distributing responsibilities so that one parent doesn’t get completely overwhelmed is a blessing, not only to emotional and physical intimacy with the partner, but also for the children.
When parents are stressed, research shows that babies suffer and become more withdrawn from one or both parents. This can lead to trouble with a baby’s ability to self-soothe and stay calm. Babies imitate the physiological response patterns of their parents in their own little bodies. Plus parental irritability leads to poorer parent-child interactions.
The “master couples” in the Gottmans’ studies—the ones who weather the turbulence of new parenthood with grace—recognize that they are “in the same soup.”
What they mean is: “We won’t eliminate the stresses. They’re a natural part of becoming parents. But the good news is that we can stop thinking they are the fault of our partners, or the results of a bad relationship.”
The Gottmans’ most important message in Chapter 1 (and perhaps the whole book) is simply, “The greatest gift you can give your baby is a happy and strong relationship between the two of you.”
Stay tuned to learn the Gottmans’ research-based ingredients for a healthy soup.
Activity Highlight: Complete a “Relationship Quiz” from the Gottman Institute: gottman.com/blog/category/column/relationship-quizzes/
According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, couples who weather the turbulence of new parenthood with grace recognize they are “in the same soup.” Image credit: Kelly Sikkema on unsplash.com
Dr. Erin Clifton DC, CACCP, is a partner in Positively Chiropractic in Stockbridge, Michigan. Her specialty is pediatric, pregnancy and family health care. She is “mom” to two sons and two daughters and leads various health and wellness classes in the Stockbridge area. Dr. Erin has a personal passion for achieving optimal health, while educating and inspiring those in the community to work with the body, not against it.
