Positive Parenting

The power of the pause: Taking breaks can strengthen family bonds

by Kelsey Rasmussen

This month we’ll return to reviewing “And Baby Makes Three” by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. In May, Dr. Erin Clifton explained what the Gottmans call the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, or how toxic communication habits can quietly erode a relationship. Fortunately, they also reveal some antidotes to these habits:

• Use a soft “start-up” rather than criticism (an attack on your partner’s character) to begin conversations
• Own your role in a conflict to decrease defensiveness, which is a knee-jerk reaction to feeling attacked.
• Express daily appreciation and respect to safeguard against contemptin the form of eye rolls, sarcasm, or insults that signal one partner sees themselves as superior to the other.
• Decide to take a 30-minute break if either partner becomes flooded and starts stonewalling (i.e., shuts down, stops responding, and withdraws).  

In Chapter 6, the Gottmans explain some of the science behind the fight or flight response, or as they refer to it, the very real “tidal wave of physiological events” called “diffuse physiological arousal, or DPA.” DPA changes your body, behavior and perceptions.

“What’s most astounding is that we are rarely aware of [DPA] while it’s happening,” the Gottmans wrote, so the first step is building awareness to subtle changes in your body. They cite examples like, “a flicker in the gut and a change in breathing.”

In chapters 6 through 8, the Gottmans unpack constructive ways to move forward if triggered into DPA: Take a break, self-soothe (meaning to calm yourself down, or emotionally regulate), come back together after a reasonable time, compromise, and repair. They suggest having an agreed-upon hand signal (not an obscene one!) to let your partner know you need a break, and for each of you to honor that signal when used. Unlike running away or avoiding a tough conversation, taking a break shows each person respect and allows them to collect themselves and respond rather than react from a place of feeling threatened.

Most striking was how everything seems to hinge on being able to calm down. People of every age—toddlers to teens and adults of all ages—could benefit from practicing how to take a break and regulate their emotions, not just in conflicts but also in everyday life.

Anyone nervous about the school year starting?  We can equip ourselves and our children with real, practical ways to calm down and get a grip.  

Many ways are common sense, though often easier said than done: Count to ten, take three slow breaths, turn on music that relaxes you, or get outside for a walk.  Others are less known: Holding a warm cup of water or an ice pack, unplugging from social media for a “digital detox,” visualizing a calm scene and imagining what all five senses would notice, or crossing your body’s midline with your hands and tracing that movement with your eyes.  

I’m told Navy SEALs use a technique called box breathing (see diagram) to calm down and lower stress. No one even needs to know you’re doing it.  

As with anything, what we model as parents teaches our kids more than what we may instruct. When you breathe as though you are relaxed, you become relaxed.

Activity Highlight

1. Agree to a family signal for needing a break, including how long until you’ll return to the conversation. For example, you might agree that the timeout sign in football means you’ll go your own ways for 20 minutes, then try again.
2. For younger kids, decide on a “cool down chair” they can go to and count to ten when they’re upset. Add an extra soft blanket or stuffed animal they can feel.
3. Practice box breathing individually or as a family while everyone is calm.