Positive Parenting: Facing head-on the stress that often accompanies ‘When Baby Makes Three’

by Kelsey Rasmussen

Imagine you’re exhausted, recovering from the physical trauma of giving birth. Physically, you need to heal and replace pints of blood for yourself while producing milk for this new life who is dependent on you for food, touch, and diaper changes, to name a few. This attention is required nearly constantly—day or night, rain or shine.

You’re sleep deprived; you haven’t brushed your teeth or bathed yourself since…yesterday? It’s a true blessing that other people prepared and delivered food to keep you going while you learn to keep baby alive. You wonder, is this my dream come true?

You cry routinely from being overwhelmed and exhausted, especially when night falls again, already. Irritability escalates to where you might scream into a pillow to release the rage.

Is it any wonder that 83% of new parents go through moderate-to-severe crises in the transition to parenthood?

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are relationship and marriage experts with over 40 years, combined, of clinical research about couples. They found relationship satisfaction dropped for two-thirds of couples after the first baby was born: conflict increased, emotional intimacy deteriorated, and both parents felt unappreciated, neglected, and lonely. Some became so lonely that an affair erupted; the majority of couples in their study separated after the arrival of their first baby.

In honor of the month celebrating Valentines, let me offer hope and explain. The Gottmans cracked the code for what makes relationships thrive. Together, they then wrote “And Baby Makes Three” to help new moms and dads navigate the challenge. It matters.

One excerpt from early in the book does a great job explaining how baby’s needs affect relationships.

“Babies need parents who respond when they have a need, who soothe them when they’re upset, calm them when they’re frightened, and play enthusiastically with them when they’re ready for fun. But when parents are distressed and lonely or depressed, they are less responsive to their babies. Babies’ crying only irritated them, babies’ fears annoy them, and babies’ playfulness feels too demanding. This is especially true when parents are at war with one another,”

Many new parents could benefit from the strategic guidance the Gottmans offer.

Over the next six months, Dr. Erin Clifton, of Positively Chiropractic, and I will summarize a chapter from “And Baby Makes Three.” Please stay tuned, and join us in learning together!

Activity highlight:

Subscribe to the Gottman’s podcast, “Small Things Often” https://www.gottman.com/podcast/small-things-often/

Drs. John and Julie Gottman wrote “And Baby Makes Three” to help new parents navigate the challenge after a first baby is born. Image credit: Nihal Karkala on unsplash.com

Kelsey Rasmussen is a local resident and full-time parent of preschool-aged twins.