by Dr. Erin Clifton

I remember when my oldest was 3 years old and told his first lie. I immediately called my sister, excited about this intellectual stage of development. It wasn’t deliberate deception, but more of an untruthful statement.

According to “A Parent’s Guide to Lying and Age-Appropriate Consequences” on parents.com, research shows children begin to tell primary lies around ages 2 to 4. At this stage, they may not fully grasp that their version of events differs from what others believe or know to be true; they are simply testing boundaries or expressing a preferred reality.

Why does this happen? Toddlers are building language and executive‑function skills, and they’re also starting to understand that their mind is separate and distinct from their parents’. They are beginning to perceive that they can say something different from what happened and see what happens next.

A 2017 article on “Lying and Children,” posted by the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry explains that this is the beginning of the evolution into why children (and adults) lie: to get out of trouble, for personal gain, to impress or protect someone, or to be polite.

What I notice in young children is the propensity to lie in order to not be in trouble. So what can we do to teach children honesty? The biggest thing is to create a safe space in which to tell the truth. Rather than reacting with anger or harsh labeling (for example, calling a child “a liar”), consider that a calm, curious approach can build trust, model honesty, and support the deeper learning we want them to develop: that words matter, and mistakes can be handled responsibly.

Below are some steps for caregivers when a toddler is telling an untruth:

• Stay calm. A shocked or angry reaction may make the child more likely to try hiding or lying next time for self-preservation.
• Acknowledge what you can see factually. (“I see the juice is spilled and the cup is empty.”)
• Let kids know they’ll be in less trouble when they tell the truth and follow through on that. 
• Feel free to walk away for a moment and let them answer again. Sometimes being put on the spot sets up a person to lie due to momentary panic. 
• Reinforce the value of honesty: “When we tell what really happened we keep trust and can fix things together.”
• Dole out a consequence that fits the crime. I’ve found it useful to let my children recommend what they think is an appropriate consequence. We discuss how they can “make it right” and follow through. 
• Model honesty yourself. Mistakes happen for adults too. Showing you can tell the truth and work to correct things builds real‑life trust.

Activity Highlight

Choose one regular moment each day this week (for example: snack time, toy‑cleanup time, or after a little tumble) to engage in a mini “honesty check‑in” with your toddler. Use a calm question: “What happened here?” Then respond with curiosity, fact‑stating, and collaboration. No heavy punishment. At the end of the week, reflect on how you handled any untruthful responses—what you said, how you felt, and how your child responded. Use this reflection to shape next week’s honest‑talk approach. 

Dr. Erin Clifton DC, CACCP, is a partner in Positively Chiropractic in Stockbridge, Michigan. Her specialty is pediatric, pregnancy and family health care. She is “mom” to two sons and two daughters and leads various health and wellness classes in the Stockbridge area. Dr. Erin has a personal passion for achieving optimal health, while educating and inspiring those in the community to work with the body, not against it.