Positive Parenting

For baby’s sake: Navigating conflict with compassion

by Dr. Erin Clifton

This column continues our series reviewing “And Baby Makes Three” by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. This month, we explore Chapters Four and Five, which offer a roadmap for navigating conflict between new parents using kindness and clarity.

From criticism to connection
Let’s face it: parenting is stressful. Sleepless nights and daily messes can easily lead to short tempers and frayed nerves. In Chapter Four, the Gottmans name the common culprits that sabotage our connection in those heated moments—what they call The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. 

These toxic communication habits can quietly erode a relationship. For instance, criticism isn’t just a complaint; it’s an attack on your partner’s character by pointing out defects. The antidote? Use a soft “start-up” to begin conversations. Learn to voice complaints without blame; instead, state what you feel and clearly describe what you need. 

Likewise, defensiveness—a knee-jerk reaction to feeling attacked—can keep a conflict spinning in circles. The Gottmans recommend owning your role in the issue. Remember, a little humility and responsibility help build trust.

Perhaps most corrosive of all is contempt—eye rolls, sarcasm, or insults that signal one partner sees themselves as superior to the other. The prescription here is powerful in its simplicity: express daily appreciation and respect.

According to the Gottmans, “Admiration and fondness, when they are outwardly expressed, go a long way toward creating a culture of appreciation in our homes.”

Finally, when arguments hit a wall, stonewalling often follows: a partner shuts down, stops responding, and withdraws. The Gottmans suggest that instead of tuning out, we must learn to soothe ourselves, take a break, and return to the conversation in a calmer state within a reasonable period of time.

In Chapter Five, the Gottmans emphasize every argument has two realities—with both of them being valid in their own way. Too often, partners fall into the trap of seeing arguments as battles to win. We dig our heels into being rightand trying to persuade our partner how they are wrong. But the goal, the Gottmans remind us, should be understanding, not victory. When each partner makes it their first priority to listen and truly grasp the other’s point of view, the emotional climate softens, and solutions become possible. 

The authors offer a practical strategy: Postpone persuasion. First, ask questions that help you understand your partner’s side. Then, restate their view to their satisfaction and offer validation. Only after that should you share your own perspective.

This kind of deep listening leads to one of the most important habits for a strong relationship: accepting influence. By acknowledging your partner’s intelligence and good intentions—even when you disagree—you’re laying the foundation for mutual respect and lasting love.

The baby is watching
And as always, the Gottmans circle back to the baby. Our infants are absorbing more than we realize—not just how we soothe them, but how we relate to each other. The quality of our conflicts, just like the quality of our cuddles, help shape a child’s emotional world.

So, whether it’s managing a midnight meltdown or working through a disagreement about diaper duty, these chapters urge us to stay tender, curious, and above all—on the same team.

Activity Highlight:

Find one topic you disagree about and try the following:

• Write down what you feel and need regarding the topic.
• Write down what your partner feels and needs (their point of view).
• Now write down WHY their point of view makes sense to you.
• Postpone persuasion, you are simply seeking understanding.
• Close the conversation with three things you love and appreciate about your partner.

Dr. Erin Clifton, DC, CACCP, is a partner in Positively Chiropractic in Stockbridge, Michigan. Her specialty is pediatric, pregnancy and family health care. She is “mom” to two sons and two daughters and leads various health and wellness classes in the Stockbridge area. Dr. Erin has a personal passion for achieving optimal health, while educating and inspiring those in the community to work with the body, not against it.