by Tiffany Snyder

It’s easy to feel thankful when someone does something nice for us, when we feel the sun on our face or things are going our way. However, where thankfulness is an emotion, gratitude is an attitude of appreciation under any circumstance. Gratitude means expressing thankfulness and being appreciative of daily life even when nothing exciting happens. Even when we feel sad, mad, or exhausted.

So, what are ways to grow gratitude in ourselves and children? Do we need to practice saying “thank you” to everyone we interact with, good or bad? While external expressions are a start, they miss the mark on having true, internal impact on our mindsets and behavior.

Lasting fulfillment comes from delaying gratification and facing our problems directly. 

Author and psychologist M. Scott Peck M.D. writes in his book, “The Road Less Traveled,” that the first tool of discipline is delaying gratification. This skill starts to develop as early as six months and is more or less “set” as children enter adolescence. To be sure, Peck understands the challenges and corresponding rewards when parenting using delayed gratification. He writes, “Parents are executives….and their task can be every bit as complex as directing a company or corporation.” 

We can model and physically help our children delay gratification. Infants and toddlers are professionals at instant gratification, otherwise known as getting what one wants or what feels good.  But it’s healthy to encourage picking up toys, folding the laundry, and doing homework before we head to the park or spend time with friends. When we help them, they get a sense they are valuable because we are willing to suffer with them. In addition to building time management and problem-solving skills, this approach paves the way for them to develop the capacity for delaying gratification on their own, so it is SO worth our time! 

Delaying gratification, in Peck’s words, is “a process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure by meeting and experiencing the pain first and getting it over with.” Wow! 

Peck acknowledges that most adults have adequate capacity to delay gratification, but there are times when even we choose instant gratification and might not be aware of it. Any time we think our child/ren “may grow out of” a bad habit, we could be choosing to ignore the problem, which he claims shows our unwillingness to delay gratification. Problems do not go away. They must be worked through to grow and develop a free spirit. All problems can be solved when we accept they are ours, and only we can solve them.

When things out of our control happen, like an attack, an accident, or or when someone puts us in a difficult spot, what remains in our control is our reaction to it. We must have the mindset that what we experience is a lesson or a step to help us grow. 

What I gleaned from Peck’s wisdom is to expect pain and welcome problems as part of our growth. They can’t be avoided, so let’s start celebrating what we can gain from them. We build gratitude for life when we celebrate teeth breaking through the gums, the potty-training accident, the chore we didn’t want to do but did anyway, every workout we showed up to exhausted, every tantrum we responded to with calmness, every relationship that changed our perspective of self-worth, every lost job that changed our view on wealth and purpose. What can you add to this list? 

Choose to live a gratitude-filled life! As my son’s favorite character Pete the Cat says, “It’s ALL good!”

Activity Highlight: The Gratitude Container

Decorate a mason jar or small box with stickers, paint, or ribbon. Each day or week, family members write or draw one good thing that happened on a slip of paper and drop it in. Challenge everyone to include not-so-fun things and how they helped us grow. Read them aloud during a weekend or family time.