Positive Parenting: Use intentional conversations to connect and engage with your teen
by Leanne Trapp
Let’s face it, raising a teen is not for the weak. With all of the hormonal imbalances, mood swings, social challenges and changes happening in their lives, it can be extremely hard to connect with them. However, that is exactly what they crave. Connection. To feel included, heard, loved. They need real relationships in this relationally deprived world of social media. It is our job as parents to make sure they are forming these real bonds that they so desperately need.
But how do you connect with someone who seems to not want to connect with you? If you are raising a teen, you may notice that a majority of your conversations and interactions seem to be arguments, corrections or criticisms. It is our responsibility as parents to intentionally bring more positive and encouraging words and actions into the relationship to outweigh all of those negative moments.
Be intentional about initiating conversations, and frequently. This does not mean trapping them or pressuring them to talk. Sometimes they might need space and will feel respected by you if you give it to them. Even if they shut you down a few times, keep asking. Don’t give up; just try again the next day.
The point of these conversations is to know what’s going on in their lives. What makes them happy, sad, or excited? Ask questions about things they are interested in, even if it is the most boring topic to you. When they do open up, make it a point not to overreact about little things they share. If they sense an overreaction, they may be hesitant to trust you with any big conversations. Attempt to create an atmosphere of warmth, trust and honesty. Try to listen more and lecture less. Remember, if you don’t talk to your teen about the little things, they will not come to you to talk about the big things.
In addition, make a conscious effort to be engaged and aware of how your teen enjoys spending their time. Whether it’s sports, reading, video games, painting, fishing, etc., know what makes them tick. What can they talk about for hours? What would they want to engage in for hours? Be interested. Be involved. Participate in the activity. Let them teach you. Ask questions and learn more about what they enjoy. This will show your teen you are interested in them as an individual and they will hopefully, in turn, feel loved and respected.
Another powerful way to connect with your teen is through shared routines or rituals. This could be as simple as a weekly coffee run, an evening walk, or cooking dinner together once a week. These regular moments create consistency and comfort, and they often lead to deeper conversations over time. Routines take the pressure off “deep talks” and instead make room for connection to happen naturally. The key is consistency—when your teen knows that time with you is a regular part of their week, they’re more likely to let their guard down. Even if it’s quiet at first, over time these moments can become the space where your teen begins to share more of their thoughts, feelings, and experiences with you.
Above all, realize that none of us is perfect. Your teens will make mistakes and so will you. Be quick to apologize when you know you could have handled a situation differently. Ask your teen how you both could better communicate next time and how each of you can improve on your interactions. Teens can be very logical, convincing, and downright manipulative, but if you listen to them, sometimes they can even be right!
Activity Highlight: This week, I challenge you to do something with your teen that they enjoy. Showing interest in things that interest them demonstrates that you care about them. This can bring you one small step closer to building a better relationship with your teen.
Leanne Trapp is the proud parent of two Stockbridge teens and co-leads a Families of Teens group at Main Street Church in Chelsea with her husband of 21 years.
