When children grieve, and what I learned

by: Dr. Erin Clifton

Some experiences in parenting are completely unexpected. You’re left feeling caught flat-footed and wholly unprepared. Having to walk my teenagers through the death of their father was one of them.

I quickly realized there is no perfect roadmap for grief—especially for children. Sometimes it manifests as tears. Sometimes it is silence. Other times, it is anger over something seemingly small. Honestly, grief in adults isn’t much different. But adults have additional years of sitting with uncomfortable emotions and we have more language to understand and describe what is happening in their bodies.

So in this situation, I saw my role as helping them find language for what they may be feeling. I opened the door by talking about what I was feeling—and I was feeling so much. Most of the time, it was conflicting emotions: deep sadness along with frustration, compassion with resentment, relief alongside anger about how he hurt the boys he left behind. The most important realization was that we can hold opposing views and emotions at the same time, and that’s okay.

Society often wants grief to look clean, respectful, and uncomplicated. But grief is rarely tidy, nor is it linear, especially when it comes after years of difficult circumstances, mental health struggles, and self-destructive behavior.

I learned quickly that being honest mattered more than being perfect. I admitted I didn’t have all of the answers, but I was there to listen. I also told them that all of their feelings were valid and that nothing about the situation was their fault. They were allowed to feel all of it guilt-free: sadness, confusion, love, disappointment. None of these emotions cancel each other out.

One of my biggest learning experiences was realizing that, developmentally, teenagers often tie memories strongly to physical objects. Did anyone else just memory-jump to the loads of stuff we collected in our teenage bedrooms and hung on our walls? The boxes of belongings and random keepsakes don’t always make sense to me, but they don’t have to. My job is simply to preserve them, and maybe years from now, more things can be let go.

I also learned that bereavement services exist throughout our state. One of those resources was available through our McLaren insurance and is called “Child Bereavement Services.” This opened the door to knowledgeable social workers, support programs, and counseling services specifically geared toward children.

Children do not need their grief erased. They need willing adults to sit beside them in it. Not to rush it. Not to fix it. Not to force meaning from it. Just to stay present so they are not alone. Below are some available resources I’d like the community to know about.

• Michigan 211 Grief and Bereavement Resources: mi211.org/grief
• McLaren Child Bereavement Program: Ph. 231-487-4825.  mclaren.org/main/child-bereavement
• Ele’s Place–Capital Region: Ph. 517-482-1315. elesplace.org/services-4/

Dr. Erin Clifton DC, CACCP, is a partner in Positively Chiropractic in Stockbridge, Michigan. Her specialty is pediatric, pregnancy and family health care. She is “mom” to two sons and two daughters and leads various health and wellness classes in the Stockbridge area. Dr. Erin has a personal passion for achieving optimal health, while educating and inspiring those in the community to work with the body, not against it.